"Let's face it...most relationships you have in life don't work out."

"A fair woman is a paradise to the eye, a purgatory to the purse, and a hell to the soul."

"'D'ya think the rain'll hurt the rhubarb?' 'Not if it's in cans.' 'What, the rain, or the rhubarb?..."

"I would rather make one percent of a hundred men's efforts than one hundred percent of my own. This way if ten get sick and ten get run over by a truck, I still have eighty percent of my income."

"If you don't show up at a party, people will assume you're fat."

"Feeding the starving poor only increases their number."

"Fraud is the ready minister of injustice."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Marxists are people whose insides are torn up day after day because they want to rule the world and no one will even publish their letter to the editor."

"Promise me that if you become a Christian you'll become a Presbyterian."

"Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee."

"Music, when soft voices die, Vibrates in the memory; Odors, when sweet violets sicken, Live within the sense they quicken."