"Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done."

"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich."

"I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow."

"[Feminism is] a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

"Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends."

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."

"That's the thing with suicide pacts. Sometimes they only really work if they catch you by surprise."

"A detective digs around in the garbage of people's lives. A novelist invents people and then digs around in their garbage."

"The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love."